My Uncontrolable Anxiety

I have been home bound f0r months because I am terriffied to leave my house. I feel like the world is looking at me and saying “yuck – where did she come from” I do not have any self confidence. I feel depressed and helpless. My boyfriend said you should try and get a job and that might help. I found a little coffee shop that was hiring so I gave it a shot. I had to have my boyfriend bring me because I was afraid of driving. I went inside and I immediately felt my heart jump out of my body…it was beating so fast. Everything around be became fuzzy. I asked if I could fill out an application. I sat there and went to fill it out. My hands were clammy and shaking. I had to cross so many things out because I couldn’t concentrate. I left so many things blank. When I was finished, I went to give it to the owner. I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. He started looking at my application and started asking me questions. My mouth went dry, I started shaking again, everything in my brain went blank. He was looking at me like I was a freak and that is what I was afraid of. I left and went back in my boyfriends car and cried. All night I cried. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I called my father and he said he wanted to meet up the next day for lunch. I did. I told him what happened with the coffee shop. He had a long talk with me. He told me that him, my sister, and my step mom are very concerned about me. He started crying. He also has anxiety and blames my disease on himself. He gave me a book to read. It is called From Panic to Power. The author is Lucinda Bassett. It is such a great book. I can’t put it down. The author went through the same thing as me! I am not alone.

I talked with my sister and she told me that I should join a gym. Working out with make me healthy and bring my confidence up. I am going to do that, however I need to use baby steps. First I am going to volunteer at the hospital that Jeff’s mom works at. I called and I have an appointment on Friday, March 5th. I am SOOOO scared. I have to drive there by myself and talk to someone. I hope I can do it. I am terrified.

March 3, 2010 · Kelly · No Comments
Posted in: *All Posts*, Anxiety, My Life