Sorry everyone.  I haven’t posted anything in a while.  My anxiety got very bad and I really didn’t want to do anything which includes writing.  I got very depressed.  I can’t keep a job (I always quit after the first day).  I stay home all day doing nothing.  I am supposed to be exercising to help the depression, but I dont feel like it.  Jeff (my fiance) and my father talked and are paying $3000 to get me in Butler right away.  Butler is a special hospital for anxiety and a depression.  I started getting very angry at Jeff for NO reason at all.  I cry for no reason at all.  I am not myself.  Because I can’t get a job, I do not have money.  I have to ask Jeff if I can get a coffee or anything else and that makes me feel like his child and not his fiance.  I dont talk to a good friend anymore because we always went to lunch together every Thursday, but I can’t pay for my share.  I am going tomorrow to Butler for a screening.   My heart is beating a million miles an hour.  I am so nervous.  The program is a week long and they recommend a therapist when the program is over.  Wish me luck.

My anxiety is getting worse.  My family and Jeff are SO worried about me.  I am getting worried about myself.  Jeff and I decided that I am going to go to Butler Hospital to get help.  Butler is a psych hospital in Rhode Island.  My step sister went their because she had severe depression.  She finished the program and went back to school for nursing and now she has a great job.  She is so happy.  That is what I want.  Jeff called Butler and they told him that without insurance, the program in ten thousand dollars!!!!!  What?!?  They told him that with insurance it is one thousand dollars.  I do not have insurance.  I do not have a job.  Our only option is to go to the town hall, get married, and go on my fiance’s insurance.  Jeff, my fiance, is going to call a lawyer first because insurance companies can be tricky.  If they decide they dont want pay, they can take our house from us.  I asked Jeff how they can have the power to do that.  If for some reason I cannot pay a bill when we get married, they will come after the house.  Like I said, I am not making any m0ney and when we get married we are going to be sharing expenses.   We are still going to have our wedding at Squantum Association, but nobody except my family and Jeff’s family will know that we are already married.

I have been using the Mid West Center for Anxiety and Depression for about a month now and it has been working wonders!  Today I will be doing session 5 which is Anger.  I am going to listen to it when I am finished with this post.  If you read my earlier posts you will know that I have very bad anxiety issues and one of my problems is that I can not keep a job.  I keep quitting because I am so afraid of being criticized.  At my last job, they treated my horribly.  They criticized me a lot in a negative way.  This was about 2 years ago.  Since I have been using this program I feel SO much better about myself.  I was taught that positive criticism will help you perform your job better.  What is funny is that all of the people the criticized me in my prevision job all got fired!  HA!  Showed them!  Tomorrow I am going for a interview at the YMCA in Smithfield, RI for Courtesy Desk Staff.  Of course I am nervous, but it is time for me to get out in the world and make money for myself and stop having my fiance paying for everything that I do.  Wish me luck!!!

Today I was supposed to go to the hospital for my orientation and then talk to the volunteer center about what I want to volunteer for and get my badge.  Of course I was sick and couldn’t go today.  Why is it when something important comes up, you always get sick or cant make it.  Of course with my Anxiety too,  I was afraid to call and tell them that I wasn’t able to go today.  I thought they were going to yell at me or say something bad.  She said “That’s OK – I hope you feel better and the next orientation is May 3rd. “  She was so nice about it.  I always get myself so worked up for nothing at all.

You probably already know that I have terrible Anxiety.  If  you haven’t read my previous entries, then you probably don’t know just how bad my Anxiety is.  I really wanted to go see my sister and my nephew, however it is about a 45 min long drive.  With Anxiety, that is like a 5 hour long drive in my mind.  I was SO nervous to go see her, but I really wanted to.  I got on the highway.  I am OK on the highway because I am going straight and there aren’t any turns until my exit, and like I said it takes 45 min to get there, so I knew I would be OK for a while.  BUT, when I was driving the thoughts started – “what if I go by the exit that I am supposed to take”  What if I get lost and call my boyfriend or my sister and they do not answer their phone to help me”  What if I turn around and go back home and feel like a failure”.   I got myself SO worked up and there was a my exit.  I didn’t miss it and I was fine.  I took the exit and I calmed down and remembered that my sister said to take a right at the split.  I saw the split and took a right.  She said stay to the right and her house will be on the left.  THAT’S IT?  I worked myself up for nothing.  I didn’t even have to call anyone.  When I went into my sister’s house, she looked at me and said “wow, you didn’t even have to call me in case you got lost!  I am so proud of you!”  I was so proud of myself too!  Now I know that nothing is going to happen the next time I go to visit!

I stopped drinking Caffeinated coffee.  I don’t know this happens to you, but my hands start shaking if I have too much Caffeine.  I also cant sleep at night and I get very cranky.  I drink Decaf coffee now!  I feel so much better!

I stopped eating or drinking sugar.  I stopped putting sugar in my coffee and I stopped eating sweets!  Sugar will make your anxiety go crazy!

I started drinking a ton of water.  Water will wash anything that you put in your body and it makes you healthier.

I stopped drinking Alcohol.  People with depression use Alcohol to calm themselves but they are only put themselves in danger – one of my friends has terrible Anxiety and drank Vodka and beer all of the time – even at work.  He had medication the his doctor gave him for his Anxiety and he used to take it with Alcohol.  He ended up getting fired from his job because he fell asleep at his desk and was slurring his words to the president of the company.  He had to go to AA to get help.  He doesnt drink alcohol now but he cant find a good job because of what happened at his last one.  It just isnt worth it.

I smoked cigarettes for a very long time.  I quit two years ago and I didn’t even realize that smoking was affecting my Anxiety.  I is so unhealthy and expensive!

I am not religious, however praying to god and my mother makes me feel so much better.  When my mother died, I hated God because he took her away from me.  How can He be a good person if He put in so much pain?  He didn’t put me in pain, I put myself in pain.  I did it to myself.  Something that I learned from the Anxiety program is “take all of your worries and your pain and give him to God.”  That is such a great statement because it frees you of all of the things that feel like you cannot handle by yourself.  By handing it over to God, it is no longer there.  You have to believe that He will do that.  It made so much sense to me.

I was talking to a girl whose brother died, then her sister died, then her father died, then she had a miscarriage.  After her miscarriage, her doctor told her the she would never be able to have another child.  She already had a son.  One day, she went a on a romantic trip with her husband and a miracle happened.  She was so afraid of having another miscarriage.  She went on her knees and prayed to God and prayed from her heart asking him to please let this baby be healthy and be part of their family.  She had a healthy baby girl!  God sent her a gift and she prays all of the time now thanking for everything that He has done for her and her family!

I got my confidence back and I am ready for a new job!  I have a hospital orientation on the 26th of April for Volunteering.  I am hoping that maybe I will find a job at the hospital after Volunteering!  I am still a tiny bit nervous, but I have been trying to force myself to do things by myself.  It is hard, but it helps a lot!  Wish me luck with this new change!

My Anxiety was getting so bad that I started getting depressed and was having bad Anxiety attacks.  They were terrible!  My heart would beat fast and I thought I was going to die.  One day I was watching TV and there was a show on that was all about Anxiety.  I watched it and there was a telephone number to call for a free Anxiety Kit.  I called right away and I talked to the fellow for about an hour about my condition.  He was so comforting and told me that this program will help me with all of my Anxiety problems.  I cried over the phone and thanked him.  About a week later I received the kit.  It had about 10 DVDs in each kit, a coaching DVD which had about 5 DVDs, Workbooks and little help cards.  I am on my second week and I cant tell you how good I feel.  It is amazing how this program works!  I was so down in the dumps and now every day I go for a run down my street.  Part of the program tells you to stop drinking caffeine and stop eating anything with sugar and drink a ton of water!  I did!  I feel so much more healthy.  I drink decaf coffee every morning and then as many glasses of water that I can.

The program is Midwest Center for Stress & Anxiety.  They are located in Ohio and they have sessions in that state, but if you live somewhere else, go with the home program.  Trust me, it helps so much.

Here is the website - http://www.stresscenter.com/mwc/

There is a lot of information about Anxiety, Stress, and Depression.  Hop on and and read everything that you can!

My Fiance Jeff went on a business trip and I told him I would pick him up from the air port.  I have been to the air port about a hundred times.  For some reason this time I took a wrong turn and got lost.  I called Jeff and told him that I have no idea where I am.  I started screaming at him because I was so lost and and in my head it was his fault because I was picking him up.  He kept telling me to pull over so that I can relax and tell him where I was.  I screamed again off the top of my lungs saying that there is NO where for me to pull over even though there was.  I was so frustrated.  I kept telling him that his dad should have picked him up and I just want to go home.  I didn’t know where I was!  I kept screaming at Jeff and panicking and crying.  I almost got into an accident about 10 times.  I finally found a parking lot.  He used his GPS to figure out where I was.  I was still screaming at him telling him that I hate him and and that I hate what I was going through.  Of course I do not hate him – I love him with all of my heart.  But at the time, I took everything out on him.  He finally told me to leave the parking lot and I finally found my way to the air port.  I calmed down once I got there and saw him.  He drove the rest of the way home.  He knows what is going on with me thank goodness.  I felt terrible.  He even bought me a coffee on the way home.  It was so hard to figure out what happened.  I do not scream like that and I think he was shocked as much as I was.  My throat hurt for the rest of the night because of the yelling and screaming.  I hate having Anxiety!